On The Inside: Inside the Work
Dear Fellow Sisters,
Somehow the first trip for Nikki and I to facilitate in person landed in the month we discussed and explored what courage was for each of us (in our monthly class!), little did I know that I would need courage, and a lot of it.
There are so many layers to this complex life of ours, I am in the midst of trying to repair damage I have caused from my past and part of it had to do with my children. As many of you know I was using opiates when I was pregnant with my daughter Adelynn and wasn’t in much of her life before I went to prison. When I decided to have a baby I was elated with the possibility of having a baby and doing it the “ right way”.
When Nikki and I decided to go to Nebraska and Wyoming we wanted to get the most out of our trip, which meant we would be gone for four days and my new baby would be six months. I wasn’t prepared for the separation, or the way my 7 year old felt that I would miss the baby more than her. As I packed and prepared for me leaving I was frantic trying to get all of the things done to help my partner Charlie and the kids manage without me. Little did I know that Charlie had it all under control, but of course in my head I wanted to make it as easy as possible. I woke up at 3:30 am to catch my flight and kissed Adelynn goodbye, as I ran out the door she swung it back open and yelled “ Go catch your flight girl!”
When I finally was through security and sitting on the plane awaiting my departure it started to seep in,
I was on my way back into prison.
During my layover in Denver I discovered Nikki, and we laughed our butts off about how we missed that we would meet each other in the midst of travel in an airport in Denver.
*September 2022, Nebraska Correctional Center for Women.
Our itinerary was going to be packed full, once we taught in Nebraska we had to drive 7 hours to Wyoming, catch a little sleep before teaching in the prison and then driving another 7 hours back to catch our flights. When I woke up in Nebraska and started getting ready to facilitate for the first time in person I was alone, I sat up in bed and felt immediate anxiety.
Who was I kidding? Who was I to be teaching these women in prison? I myself was still going through mountains of muck still inside myself! I took a deep breath and realized Nikki was probably out for her morning run. I began putting myself together and as I did that I started listing all the things that I knew to be true. This is my secret weapon against myself. Through the mental battle with myself I forgot to pump my breasts before we were teaching so I conveniently popped my wireless breast pumps in while we were waiting for our case worker to meet us. If you have seen what the Willow breast pumps look like… They look like giant electronic boobs attached to my boobs, it’s quite the sight.
When Kringle, our Nebraska case worker came to get us she went through the stuff we wanted to bring into the room with us for our class, and as she informed me I needed to be patted down I asked her, “ I should take my pumps out then?” As I stood up to go into the bathroom I started to remind myself that being patted down was okay, it was part of the process in which I needed to overcome to do my job. I stood there with my arms out and my feet spread apart and waited until Kringle was done with her job. My nerves were swarming, reminding me that they would come back over and over again. I walked out of the bathroom and started through the razor wire covered gate and behind the locked doors. And then I heard,
“They're here!!!! Nikki! Carol!”
And just like that I felt my anxiety wash away from me. Throughout the classes I felt my cheeks begin to hurt from all of the smiling. I love the dynamic of Nikki and I when we teach in person, we played theater games and I would mess up. She would give me shit and so would everyone else. The comradery was truly there, it felt so strange that I would rather be in that place doing what I was doing than doing anything else. The couple of classes flew by so quickly the only reason I knew it had been four hours was the bursting I started to feel in my boobs begging for them to be drained!
As we walked out of the Facility Nikki and I both knew what was ahead of us, a long seven hour drive! As we drove across the vast flatlands we filled our hearts up with conversations full of learning, love stories and life. The drive didn’t end up feeling like that long, probably because I slept through part of it. :) The next morning we were greeted with some time before class at the next prison facility, so I decompressed with a little morning movement and some hot coffee while Nikki and I decided what we wanted to try differently for this facility.
*September 2022, Nebraska Correctional Center for Women
We drove to the facility and were greeted in a different fashion, by a wand instead of the pat down. In my head I felt like this was way easier. We were greeted by a woman with a warm smile as we started opening and closing doors that would lock behind us. We began discussing topics that I can't recall now as we turned down hallways and through more doors that locked.
As I am writing this the back of my spine is tingling and heating up. Where we ended up, I couldn’t tell you besides a room with no windows to see outside, only windows to see those of us in the room. By the time the case worker had left the room for Nikki and I to set up, I couldn't remember the conversation but I hoped that I sounded like I wasn't a fool. I started to feel light headed and so I sat down.
I tried to give my anxiety the recipe I know which can help it in high stress situations-
sleep, food, liquid, breath.
I took a moment and put my feet flat on the ground and reminded myself of all the things I know to be true.
I know that hard work pays off, I know that if you're always comfortable you're not growing, I know that I can leave, I know that I am living amends.
But again, when the women started arriving I felt like I was home. We started through class and I dropped in the space and was with these women hearing their stories, and what they wanted to do with their stories. I found it so beautiful when we all created our lines of truth and spoke parts of our stories and how much they connect and teach us all, if only we allow them to. Which is the emphasis that I put into my conversation with the Warden on the way out. Though Nikki and I were starving and my breasts were screaming when we had the chance to speak to the Warden, we took the time to drop in parts of ourselves to help him understand our program and the impact our programs can have on these women.
After class we began another seven hour drive back to Nebraska to catch our flights home. We were eagerly waiting for emails of pictures of our adventure. When it was my turn to drive Nikki let me know that she wanted to take a short nap but as she said this an email came through with all our pictures from our Nebraska trip.
As you might imagine there was no way she was going to sleep!
We opened each of them and recalled the laughter, tears, and truths that were shared in those four walls. We contemplated the impact of the case worker not only witnessing these moments but being the photographer behind the lense as these women created sisterhood with us once again. It reminds me of a quote Nikki often says, “ We are all just walking each other home”, that comes from Ram Dass.
*September 2022, Nebraska Correctional Center for Women
On my way home it was a little rough. My flight was delayed so long that I had to change my destination to Portland instead of where I live. I was worried I didn’t leave enough breast milk, or that that milk I had collected would go bad as the ice packs melted. Truthfully, I was sad that I would have to prolong seeing my baby. Luckily, my partner Charlie was willing to pack up the baby and drive to Portland late in the night to pick me up and sleep somewhere we have never been so that we could be up and ready to be at our fundraiser EARLY the next morning!
The fundraiser was beautiful and intimate. Nikki and her family dangled the water color paintings we made with the women from the sky. We asked each woman to paint what their heart looked like 10 years ago, and what it looked like in the present. With the promise to return the paintings and set them free to tell their stories through their paint brush. My heart was full, and sobbing, and all of the things!
Through all of these experiences I grow, and I witness other women grow.
That’s the legacy I want to leave.
I want to leave you all with a quote and a couple pictures.
“ On days I could not move it was women who came to water my feet until I was strong enough to stand. It was women who nourished me back to life.” -rupi kaur
Much Love and Gratitude,
Caroline
Project Manager
On The Inside
We need your support today-
As we continue to build and expand our work your continued support is now more important than ever. A monthly donation ensures our ability to offer supplies, build new programming, and travel to each facility to teach, and soon to begin to train new facilitators in each of these states/countries as we build trained facilitators in more areas across the globe. Think- Australia, Kenya, Zimbabwe, Virginia, Boston, Croatia, New Mexico. We have women working with us in these parts of the world eager to lead, ready for training.
Make an ongoing monthly donation today, and know that your money is going to support women in desperate need of connection, healing, and creativity.
$10 p/month supports one woman through our 8-week class series.
$50 p/month supports one woman’s creative supplies needed for our class series providing them with: a folder, paper, new colored pencils, a certificate, a journal, and a pencil.
$100 p/month allows us to send the creative supplies needed for these classes to each facility.
I choose to support an incarcerated women by making a monthly donation today.
“I hope you discover your ability to love and love and love and love because that’s what you are here to do.”
-Nebraska Correctional Center for Women, current student
Thank you for being a growing part of our journey, our failures and our successes as we navigate slow and intentional growth to keep this work fresh, accessible, and necessary.
REGISTRATION now OPEN for our signature four-class series -
Our four-class series is a great way to become a part of our work, learn about the class structure, create with us, and build community. Each class occurs over Zoom so you can participate from anywhere. Every class you can expect to: share, create, receive, and learn as we make work that goes into our facilities and work from our inside students is shared with us.
*This is the LAST class series we will offer in 2022, don’t wait, jump in on the work with us now. We have two openings for this class series available.
Our class series meets on-
Thursdays 4-6pm PT/7-9pm ET
October 6, 13, 20, & 27
This series is co-led by Caroline Cox, Project Manager at On The Inside, and Nikki Weaver Founder.
Zoom links and instructions are sent out after payment is made. We offer a sliding scale and full scholarships too, all you need to do is connect us. Payment can be made right here. Please connect with us if you would like to join our next class series and specify which four classes you would like to attend. The work builds upon itself so it is essential that you prioritize attending all four sessions.
You can join our four week class series, and then continue on in our monthly class by signing up here.
*Nia, Nikki (Founder of On The Inside), Justine, Lacretia, and Krystal Nebraska Correctional Center for Women 2022
2022 Monthly Group Gatherings (2 hours)-
Saturday, Jan 8 HOPE
Tuesday, Feb 8 ENDURANCE
Thursday, March 3 AGILITY
Tuesday, April 5 TRUTH
Monday, May 2 CREATIVITY
Wednesday, June 1 JOURNEYS
Thursday, July 7 SHADOW WORK
Monday, August 1 LOVE
Thursday, September 1 COURAGE
Saturday, October 1 FLEXIBILITY
Wednesday, November 2 VALUES
Thursday, December 1 HOPE
**All monthly group meetings are 12 pm-2 pm PT/3 pm-5 pm ET
We hope to see you in class this year- join us for four sessions and then move into our monthly group as we deepen the connections, strengthen our creativity, and build long lasting relationships with women inside and outside prison facilities.
Your actions matter. Your words matter. How you show up matters.
Much love and gratitude for your ongoing support,
Nikki Weaver and Caroline Cox
-Founder and Project Manager
OUR MISSION
On The Inside builds a creative connection for incarcerated women, both individually and collectively. We do this by telling our stories, igniting our hearts, and sparking dialogue. Creative connection for a greater good, we create community for women on the inside and outside by breaking down the walls that keep us apart.
The United States houses over 1.3 million incarcerated women.
We aim to change that.
Creativity is what keeps us alive, it is what draws us together. Our stories save us and have the ability to heal us. Healing is both collective and deeply personal. We create shared dialogue by holding a container for women to transform themselves. We do this through creative prompts where each woman has a voice in the room, through exploratory movement, creating a rolodex of emotions to draw from, and boundaries to hold.
We begin.
We create.
We play together.
We share.
We seek closure.
We begin again.
We hold weekly classes to gather in a circle. We create weekly newsletters where women on the outside create work (poetry, art, song) for women on the inside, and the women on the inside do the same. We create living, breathing works of art that move us far beyond the page, beyond the stage, and into a space of embodiment.
BOARD OF DIRECTORS
Dr. Lisa Collins
Karen Pride
Nomi Conway
Fungai Mubayiwa
Katie Morell
Caroline Cox
Megan Gaffney
Atieno Bird
Dr. Mercy Nyangulu Nyepudzayi
Jazmin Jimenez
Cindy Lone
Tina Packer
Mia Zara
Marie Gonzalez
Beck Wilschefski
Elena Brower
Together, we stretch four continents wide.
Collectively, we are making a difference by creating together.
You are always invited to join our work, join our collective, join our creative expanding circle.
Support
Support our work by sustaining a woman through a monthly contribution right here.Your donation will support the ongoing weekly and monthly work we continue to build in person, and online.
